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Thursday, March 07, 2013

"Retirement"

I don't feel like posting about anything substantial or important. Too many problems to contend with, so instead, I'll post something which I received in an email. It's probably 'going around,' as they say, and you may have seen it.  Forgive me, if you already have; enjoy, if you're seeing it here first.
It speaks to us, actually, who are in retirement mode.  Don't know to whom to attribute it, but thank you, anonymous sir/madame, anyway...(we are thinking of Florida...or Israel...)

Retirement!!!
 
There are many retirement options. Here is a guide to help you make the right choice. 

You can retire to Phoenix or Tucson, Arizona where...
  • You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
  • You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  • You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
  • You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  • You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
  • The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
  • You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  • The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
  • You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • You think Central Park is "nature."
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • You've worn out a car horn. (Ed.Note if you have a car).
  • You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
  • You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
  • Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  • You have more than one recipe for casserole.
  • Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  • The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and      construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
  • You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  • "Y' all" is singular and "aly'all" is plural.
  • "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
  • Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
  • Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
  • You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  • You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
  • A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest      where...
  • You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  • 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat      at?"
  • 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
  • You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
  • All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  • Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  • Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  • Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.




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3 comments:

Batya said...

Or retire to Israel and be born anew...

Lost and Found said...

I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds I was laughing so hard at some of these. Hilarious.

Lady-Light said...

Batya: Don't know if we can afford it, but it is still in the future plans
Lost and Found: Thank you for visiting (-and keep breathing!)

 
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